Game Details
| Size | 123 MB |
| Region | USA |
| Genre | Real Time Strategy |
| Format | 7z / BIN |
| Year | December 1996 |
| Console | PSX |
Baldies (1995/1996) is a delightfully bizarre, chaotic real-time strategy and “god game” that carved out a highly unique niche on the PlayStation 1. Originally developed by Creative Edge Software for MS-DOS and the ill-fated Atari Jaguar, its late 1996 PlayStation port brought the quirky, pixelated turf war to console gamers.
Heavily inspired by foundational god simulators like Populous and Lemmings, the game strips away grim sci-fi or dark medieval tropes. Instead, it lets you micromanage a growing civilization of plump, hairless, overall-wearing clones fighting for planetary dominance.
Story & Premise: The Great Hairless Turf War
The plot is beautifully simple and deeply weird. Floating somewhere in the cosmos is a vibrant world populated by the Baldies—a peaceful, industrious race of short, completely bald little people who want nothing more than to multiply, build houses, and play in the fields.
Unfortunately, they share their universe with the Hairies, a wicked, heavily bearded rival faction dressed in dark purple clothes. The Hairies hate the Baldies’ smooth heads and are actively trying to conquer all 100 regions of the world. Because the Baldies lack a military general, they turn their eyes to the sky, praying to you—their invisible, cursor-wielding deity. Your job is to organize their society, breed an unstoppable army, and use absurd environmental weapons to wipe the Hairies off the face of the earth.
Back Cover Description
THE ULTIMATE HAIR-RAISING STRATEGY EXPERIENCE!
They’re small, they’re bald, and they need a leader! Take control of the Baldies as you guide them through a massive, 100-level real-time turf war against their mortal enemies, the sinister Hairies. Breed your population, invent insane weapons of mass destruction, and conquer four unique worlds!
- Dynamic Job Class System: Instantly assign your Baldies to become Builders, Scientists, Soldiers, or Laborers by changing their clothes!
- Wacky Arsenal: Research and deploy outrageous weaponry including exploding cows, custom landmines, target-seeking skunks, and localized lighting strikes!
- Massive Campaign Mode: Skirmish across 100 distinct maps spanning green pastures, shifting desert dunes, icy tundras, and volcanic fields!
Key Gameplay Features
- The Dressing Room Job Assignment: The absolute core of the gameplay. Rather than training units at a barracks, you pick up a basic Baldie with your hand cursor and drop them into specific colored rooms inside a house to instantly alter their profession:
- Red (Workers): The foundation of your economy. They generate “breeding energy” inside houses to rapidly hatch more Baldies.
- Blue (Builders): They harvest wood, construct brand-new houses, and upgrade existing huts into towering castles.
- Green (Scientists): Stationed in labs, they slowly research trap mechanics and bizarre weapons.
- White (Soldiers): Armed with military firearms, they are your primary combat vanguard tasked with marching across the map to assault Hairy properties.
- Biological & Environmental Warfare: The research tech tree is completely absurd. Instead of traditional tanks or catapults, your Green Scientists capture local wildlife to weaponize them. You can plant Exploding Cows near enemy fences, drop skunks into their ventilation systems to force them outside, or harness the sky to call down massive Tornadoes and Meteor Showers to level their structures.
- The Hand of God Controls: Using the PS1 digital controller, players move a giant hand cursor across a flat 2D tile-grid. The cursor lets you physically pick up individual Baldies, pluck them out of danger, drop them right into combat zones, or manually place defensive minefields around your home base.
Short Review: A Highly Creative, Overlooked Console RTS
The Good
- Brilliant, Addictive Micro-Management: Balancing your population ratios is incredibly engaging. Deciding exactly when to pull workers away from breeding to boost your scientist numbers for a quick super-weapon breakthrough provides genuine strategic tension.
- Wonderfully Twisted Humor: The game’s lighthearted presentation belies a delightfully dark sense of humor. Watching a group of your soldiers construct an elaborate trap disguised as a giant present, only for it to blow a squad of Hairies sky-high, is consistently funny.
The Bad
- Severe Controller Friction: Like many 90s console strategy games, Baldies was fundamentally built for a computer mouse. Navigating a fast-paced RTS map using a standard PS1 D-pad can feel slow and clunky during chaotic multi-front enemy raids.
- Brutal Difficulty Wall: While the initial levels gently walk you through basic base setup, the game’s later stages drop you onto resource-scarce maps where the Hairies spawn with massive tech advantages, leading to quick, frustrating early-game wipes.
Screenshots
